c-rona chronicles: day 55-60 “the meltdown edition”
“The following events might or might have happened during the last five days. Whenever possible, the actual blog writer participated in writing this blog entry. What you’re about to read is not a regular blog post but a nervous breakdown caused by the quarantine.”
9:05 every day – Woke up, roll to the other side of the bed and started crying.
10:35 every day – Finished my daily team meeting. Hung up and started crying.
11:05 every other day – Stopped crying. Grabbed a tissue and started crying.
1:30 every day – Bit my nails from the stress of this situation, then started crying.
3:30 one day – Started screaming while my face was buried on a pillow. Hopefully the client didn’t see that. We finished the presentation and then we all started crying.
4:30 most days – Downed a bag of Doritos. I was just gonna eat a few chips but MSG got the best of me. Started crying when I finished the bag.
6:30 every other day – Dropped into a COD mission with the homies. We all started crying when we lost the game. Doza was the MVP again, he cried because of that.
7:45 most days – Cooked dinner. Started crying. Used my tears as seasoning.
8:01 most days – Ate ice cream. No crying. Ice cream makes everything better.
Somewhat serious disclaimer
If you are struggling to cope with this social distancing and you feel like you need to talk to someone, I can always lend an ear. I’m terrible at these things, but we’re in this together so I’ll do my best. Better yet, reach out to a mental health professional because they rock and can help you more than a copywriter that’s just trying to be funny. Remember, you’re not alone in this and we can all help each other. Kumquat.
c-rona chronicles: day 52-54
10:00 on Tuesday – Became a meditation guru on Instagram. My IG Live had only one viewer (my mom), but I discovered that even my annoying voice sounds deliciously calming when I speak slowly and very close to the mic.
11:00 one day – According to my math, the amount of banana breads baked in this building during the past 50-something days could easily solve the world's food crisis.
1:30 – This quarantine got me excited for the possibility of a zombie apocalypse and having to fight for my life against some brain-eaters. I guess I'll have to settle for having to battle Giant Murder Hornets. #ItsNotEvenJune
2:30 one day – I don't even know what real-world clothes are anymore. I did some grocery shopping wearing a rainbow-colored mesh two-piece pajama set and nobody batted an eye.
3:30 – I've coined more dad jokes in the past two days than in my whole life combined. Maybe it's time to take the next step in life and start wearing pleated khakis with an ill-fiting polo tucked in.
5:40 every day – I've managed to perfectly sync the map loading time in Call of Duty Modern Warfare with the EOD status call with my team. I've never been so proud of my skills as I am today.
5:41:30 every day – If only I wasn't terrible at this game and wouldn't die as soon as I spawn on the map.
6:30 – Finished editing my quarantine movie. I don't care if it's just 2 hours of me forgetting to turn of the video recording on my phone after a Zoom call, I'm submitting this piece of art to the Oscars.
c-rona chronicles: day 46-51
Around 10:30 one day – Finally lost any sense of what day I'm living in.
Around 10:31 today – Pitch done. Creatives will understand. #BrainDead #FML #SarcasticYay
10:45 today – May the 4th Be With You.
12:31 one day – I've baked every recipe found on Pinterest. My body composition is now 12% Banana Bread, 21% Chocolate Chip Cookies, 36% Sourdough Bread, 51% Pancakes, 24% Cheesecake, 60% Carrot Cake.
12:32 that same day – I know the math doesn't add up. I'm a creative troglodyte not a rocket scientist, ok? Either way, I'm now more dough than man.
1:33 every day – I've tried every get rich quick scheme found on TikTok. I've started my dropshipping business of fart purifiers. Invested my all life savings in Tesla stock. Lost all my life savings because of Elon's comments about Tesla stock. Joined every paid surveys page. Followed every YouTube channel. Created my Etsy store for handmade middle finger pictures. Started a virtual striptease streaming service and saved my Stimulus Check for a rainy day.
3:33 somedays – Call of Duty Warzone is not the game we deserve, but the game we needed right now.
3:34 most of the days – But... I hate 15 year olds that snipe me every time I drop.
5:40 everyday – Beer has become my confidant. I'm really into sour beers these days.
6:30 last Thursday – I almost forgot it was my birthday. Had a fancy dinner at The Table. Went for a round of cocktails at the Couch and ended up passing out at the Other Side of the Couch. Good times.
7:30 – In case I forget, here's the password to open my drawer at work: 1'mN0tTh4t5tuP1D.
c-rona chronicles: day 39-45
10:00 - 12:00 am on repeat – Pitch. Creatives will understand. #FML #Sleepless #SarcasticYay
Somewhere around 3:20 one day – Got chili cheese dogs. That was nice.
Somewhere around 12:01 one day – Did a workout. Felt the abs showing. #CoronaBod
Somewhere around 5:00 every day – The beer store around the corner knows my name, my order and has my beers ready for when I come. Should I be scared or flattered? #PitchFuel #BrainJuice
Somewhere areound 6:00 most of the days – Learned how to microwave every food possible. Never have a Deconstructed Lasagna tasted so good.
Deconstructed Lasagna Recipe
Heat pasta in the microwave
Eat pasta while you heat the sauce in the microwave
Drink the sauce while you heat the meatballs
Take a bite of the slab cheese
Imagine you had time to cook a decent lasagna
10:00 - 12:00 am on repeat – Pitch. Creatives will understand. Probably lost my mind and I'm repeating this. #FML #Sleepless #SarcasticYay
c-rona chronicles: day 38
9:30 – OK, I'm gonna get a pull up bar to keep working out.
9:35 – Can't find a pull up bar on Amazon that's not classified as a collectible item. Come on fat guys, are you really working out or you just bought one because you thought you were gonna workout during the quarantine? Be honest.
10:15 – I've failed finding a pull up bar I can buy. In other news, I got a new, polished stripper pole. If my career in advertising won't quite take off I'm coming for you JLo in Hustlers!
12:30 – Got paid to buy a thousand barrels of oil futures. I might or might not be recreating Shakira's "La Tortura" music video right now.
1:18 – Turns out cleaning oil is actually harder than I thought. No wonder why so many celebrities volunteer to do so every time there's an oil spill. I guess it's just fitting that I'm cleaning one on Earth's Day.
1:19 – Unrelated. Happy Birthday Earth! May you get rid of the vermin better known as humans!
1:20 – Going into a philosophical rabbit hole about volcano eruptions being Earth's candles being blown out. #Not420Anymore
1:21 – And maybe earthquakes are just from Earth doing Zumba lessons. #420Was2DaysAgo
1:22 – I should stop, right? Imma stop now. #Bye420
3:30 – I just learned that apparently you could get COVID-19 through other people's farts. No wonder why I wanna drop dead every time I run behind that old guy on the track.
3:35 – Added a lacy buttmask to my facemask collection. Some people might want to call it a "Thong" but I rather call it a necessary safety measure to stop this quarantine.
5:30 – Ran out of dishes to photograph. From now on my #FoodPorn is gonna be the same old waffle picture but with new stickers.
c-rona chronicles: day 37
9:30 – Going out for a run wearing nothing but a facemask has been the most liberating thing I've done this month so far. At the end of this quarantine, my whole neighborhood is gonna know me better than my mother.
12:00 – If this meeting goes on for 5 minutes, I'm filming my first Tik Tok video.
12:05 – I filmed my first Tik Tok video. But instead of being on Tik Tok it was on Zoom. And the audience was my clients. On the bright side, the meeting just ended!
2:30 – Ran out of meat to cook for lunch. I guess I'll have to eat that Tofu I've been saving for a rainy day. (Celebrates sarcastically) Yaay!
2:45 – Apparently Tofu tastes great if you slather it in a pound of butter and a quart of BBQ sauce. Who knew it was so easy to make this thing flavorful.
3:55 – Don't you love that moment when you're, for the first time ever, ready for a meeting, and then it suddenly gets cancelled and all your work was for nothing? No? Just me?
4:30 – Imagine how bored from being at home I was that the highlight of my day was getting briefed on a new project at 4:30 in the afternoon.
9:30 – Raiding my neighbor's fridge to see if he has something more interesting to eat than my good old chicken sausage stir-fry.
9:31 – I really hope he doesn't notice the freshly cooked turkey I just took. If everything fails, I'm blaming the cat.
c-rona chronicles: day 35
10:00 – I'm proud to inform I just started a Homemade Tamales delivery service. Place your orders before 11 and get them delivered before noon.
10:02 – Due to unforseeable circumstances we are suspending our Tamales business. "Someone" couldn't stop eating them and now we have none to sell. #HelloFatMe
5:35 – I'm happy to report that even though I haven't done anything productive today, I've managed to circle around the three couch zones repeatedly. No butt prints were harmed in the making of this lazy day.
7:30 – I just recorded an Instagram live where I apologized to my non-existent followers for the lack of events in my life today. I just needed a lazy day on my couch to recover from all this couch-working days.
c-rona chronicles: day 36
8:01 – My recently discovered silver fox vibe has granted me access to the senior hours at the grocery store. I shall not waste this opportunity, so I'm definitely calling the manager and making a scene if they don't accept my expired coupons.
9:01 – Just survived the bloodiest battle royale for the last loaf of bread at the store. I had PTSD flashbacks from when I tried to buy a TV at Walmart on a Black Friday in Texas.
1:30 – You know what I love about sweet potatoes? The fact that they make me think I'm eating healthy despite the yams being slathered in a pound of butter and maple syrup.
3:30 – These past few meetings have felt like I'm Indiana Jones escaping from the giant rock boulder and running to reach an exit that's almost closed down. I even started playing the theme song when I'm dialing in 2 seconds late to add some drama to the situation.
4:30 – On the bright side, I finally found a bag of Doritos Nacho Cheese. On the bad side, I ate it all as soon as I opened it.
7:30 – I honestly think the backbone of America are the food leftovers one can reheat whenever they don't want to cook.
Example a)
My dinner tonight.
7:32 I also think the other backbone of America are frozen pizzas, White Castle burgers and Pop Tarts.
Example b)
My second dinner tonight.
c-rona chronicles: day 34
11:01 – One of these days I'm going to cross out all the things I wrote on my to-do list. Today is not that day.
1:30 – Ugh, I hate waking up after noon. Makes me feel like the day is gone and I should go back to sleep. Nite!
3:30 – Leftover cold pasta is as good as leftover cold pizza. Change my mind.
4:30 – Am I the only one that takes the butter outside the fridge early in the morning so it's soft and spreadable by dinner?
4:31 – Also, if you ever see me eating a cube of softened butter like I'm doing right now, please stop me.
5:30 – I'm proud to announce I'm no longer a N00b at COD. I'm no longer being sniped while I'm parachuting to the arena. I just fall to the ground without opening my chute at all.
6:30 –In ad-related news, I just finished my generic "Tough times, together" script for any brand that wants to buy it. My inspiration were all the TikTok dropshippers that are making millions of dollars and sharing their secrets on a YouTube channel you have to subscribe to. Thank you, we're in this together too.
c-rona chronicles: day 33
10:03 – Ran out of cereal. I'm debating if I should risk my life and go get another box or endure my cereal-less life for a few days.
10:04 – Waiting outside the store for my turn. Cereal is life!
11:03 – Invented a device that holds my phone next to my ear so I can keep talking while both of my hands are free. It's a simple, taped-the-phone-around-my-head device but I'm sure I can make a lot of money if I patent it.
11:04 – Nevermind, I found my Airpods.
1:33 – Opened a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos. Not my favorite but I was craving some Dorito MSG.
1:33:31 – Finished a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos. If only I had seen the ad where a guy stretches the last Dorito until delivery day before this.
2:30 – Thinking about pop culture references I can social distance. Any recos are welcome. Just stay away from logos, movies, shows, books and musicians.
3:31 – Trying to teach social distancing to the ant colony living outside my window. They seem to grasp the concept better than humans.
3:35 - I've effectively taught an ant colony to stay 6 in apart from each other. If I was a Sociology major this would have been my thesis. Today, it's just a way for me to cope that we've been quarantined for more than a month.
4:50 – My eye twitches every time I see someone outside not wearing a mask. Probably I should stop taking selfies while I'm walking outside.
5:50 – I find it comforting that with all this madness happening around the world, we can all unite and hate all the kids that kick our asses on the new Call of Duty game. Come on! At least let me land before you snipe me!
c-rona chronicles: day 32
8:30 – Woke up early enough to go for a run. Changed into my workout clothes and sat down to drink and fully wake up before going out.
11:30 – Still haven't moved from the couch. Guess I'll go for a run later today.
12:03 – Moved to get some cereal. Back again on the couch listening to this meeting. I'll go run after work.
3:30 – Lunch is another bowl of cereal. Didn't want to ruin my pre-workout carb load. Still on the couch.
5:30 – Meetings are almost done. I guess I'll go run in a few.
7:30 – Three episodes of Rick and Morty in and I realized it's too dark to go out for a run.
9:30 – I'll go to sleep in my workout clothes. That way I can wake up early tomorrow and go for a run immediately.
UPDATE: Didn't go out for a run on Friday either.
c-rona chronicles: day 31
10:05 – Taught myself how to Tango. That went well until slammed my head on the wall. There goes my security deposit.
11:04 – Finished the script for my next movie. It stars Oscar Isaac as an advertising creative forced to work from home due to a quarantine. We follow his creative journey from leading an award-winning campaign to writing a blog just to keep himself sane. Definitely Oscar bait. #BadPun
2:30 – Oh Shit.
4:00 – Oh Shit. Oh Shit. Oh Shit!
4:30 – HOLY SHIT!
5:00 – So heavy shit just happened...
5:30 – What a shitty day...
5:31 — What a nice beer!
c-rona chronicles: day 30
9:00 – Happy 1st Quarantine Month! I hope all your wishes of being able to go outside come true!
9:45 – If someone had told me that I'd spend a whole month wearing nothing but sweatpants, I'd have invested in every loungewear brand out there. At the very least I'd have one more pair in rotation.
11:30 – Do you know that moment when you stare at a word for so long that you completely forget how it's spelled. And then you keep staring at it and its meaning gets lost in translation. And then you fall into a rabbit hole where you try to make sense of the word, but you can't pronounce it correctly anymore. And then you reach a point inside your psyche that controls every emotion you've ever had. And then you realize how you could have won that argument you had with your ex 17 years ago. And then you finally find the meaning of life, and realize what you need to do to be entirely happy. And then you come back to trying making any sense of the word that put you in this state of mind — only to realize that you've already forgotten all about it and have moved on with your life. And then you turn left and see that you're now married and have two kids who start asking you how to spell the word you just stared at? I've been there too.
1:30 – They say our greatest ideas come while we're in the shower. Today, I found the cure for COVID-19. If only I hadn't failed chemistry in high school or knew a damn about how viruses and the human body work, I could have saved us all. #BetterLuckNextTime
4:40 – I've become a master of cooking Tofu and making it as flavorful as a medium-rare steak. Here's my recipe:
Flavorful as a medium-rare steak Tofu Recipe
1 Pack of Extra Firm Tofu
Salt and Pepper to taste
Drain Tofu. Cover with a paper towel and put it under a heavy object to squeeze all the water
Put the Tofu away and cook a medium-rare steak
Eat the steak thinking it's healthy Tofu
5:04 – I did one of those Instagram "Ask me anything" stories. The first question I got was from my boss asking if I had finished the deck... I didn't reply...
5:30 – I was today years old when I learned that drying t-shirts in very high heat makes them shrink. Thanks Obama for making me look like a badly wrapped meatloaf. #FML
c-rona chronicles: day 29
10:00 – I'm one rainy day away from making macramé blankets. They'll become a heirloom for my non-existent children.
11:04 – Didn't know there was a new Pixar movie on Disney+.
11:05 – Didn't know I was paying for Disney+. #FinancialGenius
11:06 – Started watching the new Pixar movie, Onward. SPOILER ALERT: Magic has feelings.
1:30 – I'm gonna blame today's weather for my lack of clean clothes. I had all the intention to do the laundry today, but this quarantine has made me allergic to the rain, and moving, and being away from my couch for more than 5 minutes.
1:31 – I'm also blaming the weather for my empty fridge and for having to order a family-sized pepperoni pizza with 2 orders of garlic knots, a Mexican Coke, churros, chocolate chip cookies and steamed broccoli.
3:30 – The only good thing about having back-to-back meetings all day is that you don't have to pretend you took a shower. People are already used to seeing you in sweatpants and a beard full of breadcrumbs.
3:31 – Speaking of breadcrumbs, I think beard breadcrumbs should become a fashion trend this year. Most men I know are already wearing them.
4:31 – Tried doing the Instagram challenge where you do a handstand and try to put on a t-shirt. It was an easy challenge. I was twerking the whole time.
4:32 – In other news, I might or might not have a concussion from the previous challenge.
4:47 – I won $20 in the Lotto today. I've never had such a big amount of money in my wallet.
4:48 – To the Nigerian prince that emailed me yesterday and promised me a million dollars. I'm using these $20 I just won to invest in our company. Our luck is about to change my friend.
4:49 – Something tells me the Nigerian prince thing was all a scam. All I got in return is a picture of an old cat.
4:50 – It seems like I'll have to sell my macramé blankets after all...
c-rona chronicles: day 28
11:30 – I went out for a long run in this beautiful weather. My mid-run snack was a shot of tequila someone left unattended at the park. I'm loving these Corona runs more and more.
1:01 – Started an Easter egg hunt. But instead of eggs I hunt beers. And instead of actually hunting beers, I just grab them from the fridge. Such a fun game. #HappyEaster
2:30 – I thoroughly cleaned my house today. I'm confident to say it's 56% COVID-Free.
3:30 – Feeling fancy enough to cook some fish. Gonna go full beach vibe and make some Snapper in Garlic Sauce.
3:35 – While I was waiting at the fish market, there were two very obnoxious women not respecting the social distancing guidelines. Had no other choice but to spray them with my gin-flavored hand sanitizer. They should thank me for teaching them what 6 ft apart really means and for making them smell like they were having cocktails at a speakeasy.
4:30 – I should start selling my chocolate chip cookies. If only I could restrain myself from eating them as soon they're out from the oven I'd make a killing.
6:37 – Watched Parasite again. SPOILER ALERT: It's in Korean. It made me crave plum extract and peaches.
7:31 – I dropped the last slice of pizza to the floor. I feel like this food-dropping curse is gonna keep hauting me forever. #FML
c-rona chronicles: day 27
10:30 – I'm just gonna declare myself the undefeated Rummy champion. I know I'm just playing against myself, but I haven't lost a single game. #Winning
11:30 – Riding the Fitfluencer wave. Gonna stream on Instagram the workout I created. I dare any Crossfit bro to beat me my times.
Saturday Workout:
15 min nap
2 back-to-back episodes of your favorite show
3 bags of Doritos Cool Ranch or similar
1 Pickle
1 Slice of pizza
1 Sour beer
Repeat for 5 rounds or until your joints hurt from being so useless
2:30 – Ordered a full Sicilian pizza. Best decision I've made so far today.
2:31 – Dropped 3 slices of my Sicilian pizza on the floor. #FML
3:41 – Power walk around the neighborhood. Felt cheeky wearing my face bra for a while.
6:30 – Ordered wet burritos just because I want to help my local restaurants.
6:31 – Dropped one burrito on the floor. What's wrong with me?
6:32 – Dropped a second burrito on the floor. This is getting ridiculous.
6:33 – Dropped the third and last burrito on the floor. Can I just ignore the 5-second rule and eat them anyway?
6:34 – Spilled my beer and dropped the burritos I just saved. I guess I'm eating from the floor tonight. Not risking losing any more precious food.
7:30 – Decided to watch Final Destination. SPOILER ALERT: A bunch of people die.
7:31 – Remember when an airplane malfunction was the scariest thing about flying? Now is sitting next to someone coughing and getting quarantined for 14 days or more. Boy I miss the good old days.
9:31 – Final Destination 2 started playing. I was gonna turn the TV off and go to bed at a decent hour, but Mama raised no quitter. I'm gonna finish this movie marathon no matter what.
c-rona chronicles: day 26
11:00 – I managed to assemble Ikea furniture without the need of a manual. I've finally become a true handyman. Hire me on TaskRabbit if you need my services.
12:30 – Wearing a white t-shirt for my handyman tasks was the right choice. My fragile masculinity feels is raving. It also helps that I'm holding a power tool in my hand.
12:31 – My pride of wearing a white t-shirt is inversely proportional to my chances of spilling tomato sauce on it. Can you guess what just happened?
1:30 – Wore my fancy mask to the store for the first time. The clerk looked really scared of me. I can't tell if it was my month-long bum beard, my COVID-like cough, or the power tool that I brought to keep reinforcing my fragile masculinity.
3:30 – Finally managed to spring clean my apartment. I'm so glad I found another corner to hide the shit I won't use for another year.
4:30 – I'm selling a floor lamp. It's 56% COVID-free. And I'll even throw a free smart lightbulb if you bring your own disinfectant.
7:00 – Nothing to report other than I'm cold and bored.
9:30 – Really digging these Jessie Reyez songs. I'm one or two heartbreaks away of trying to learn her lyrics.
10:30 – There's nothing better than a Spiked Mexican Hot Chocolate to end an eventful day.
Spiked Mexican Hot Chocolate
1 Mexican hot chocolate bar
4 cups of milk or fake milk
Rum or tequila to taste
Bring milk to a boil
Mix in the chocolate bar
Serve in a cup
Drink rum or tequila straight from the bottle, chase it with a sip of hot chocolate
c-rona chronicles: day 25
10:00 – It's rare for me to wake up in a good mood. I'm happy to report that today, I woke up as cranky as ever. It's so refreshing to see this quarantine is still not affecting my mornings.
12:00-ish – I completely forgot about breakfast today. I didn't realize I was that hungry until someone in my conference call poured a bowl of cereal in the background. The only solution to my dilemma was to eat a whole box of Lucky Charms.
12:30-ish – Ok, eating a whole box of Lucky Charms might not have my most brillant idea. I have the sugar rush of a 3-year old kid that just discovered where their parents keep the sugar and cookies. #FML
1:30 – I've become so invested in The Bachelor that I can't wait to see the finale.
1:31 – Ok, I'm over this Bachelor craze. Moving on to more intellectually stimulating shows like The Real Housewives of New Jersey.
2:30 – For those not asking, I have these shows in the background while I work. Instead of listening to music, I have Jersey women screaming obsenities out loud. They negate my neighbor's own crazy screams. It's like obscene white noise.
2:31 – At least the weather is giving us the middle finger and forcing us to stay inside. #StayInside
4:56 – I woke up from a quick nap to a beautiful afternoon. How many days did I sleep? What happened with the shitty rainy weather? Now I feel like I've wasted 10 minutes of my life sleeping instead of watching people enjoy being exposed to Covid-19 from my window.
5:01 – At least my frozen yogurt experiment turned out to be quite tasty. Not quite sure why but I'm suspecting that emptying a full can of whipped cream over it helped a lot.
5:03 – In other news, I just got a new pair of running shoes I can't comfortably showcase to other runners because I'm scared they carry the plague. #AdBod
c-rona chronicles: day 24
10:20 – I've decided to spice things up and wore my suit today. You know, just for shits and giggles. Gotta say, washing the dishes in this attire is making me feel like a married James Bond.
10:21 – I honestly don't understand why some people like wearing suits every day. Just the tie alone is reason enough for someone to go mad.
10:35 – My neighbors saw me struggling to untie this tie. I think they've finally lost the last bit of respect they had for me.
11:30 – It's official, I jumped on the Reality TV bandwagon (Thanks Regina ¬¬) and saw The Bachelor. SPOILER ALERT: There's a generic white guy with a generic white guy name trying to swipe right on several generic white girls.
11:45 – Honest question: How many episodes I need to watch to start craving Rosé?
2:00 – I had an existential crisis when I realized I didn't have any cooked pasta left. Waiting 10 minutes to prepare another batch is sooo COVID Day 1 and we're already a year after that.
3:30 – Never again I'm wearing a suit at home. It's impossible to chill on the couch without getting some delicate parts of your body constricted. #SweatpantsForever
4:00 – I've never been so happy to see the FedEx guy coming to my building. I don't know if it's because of the lack of human contact or because he was delivering the box of tequila I ordered yesterday. Something to think about.
5:50 – I'm halfway into a Schitt$ Creek episode and I just went through my third Family-Sized pack of Oreos. Either I'm eating way too many Oreos or these "Family Size" packs are a lie. I'm gonna go for the latter. #AdBod